Word Vomit

Taking 10 seconds to vent.

Because I’m tired. And because I’m frustrated. And I’m just over it.

I feel like everyone else leaves treatment saying, “Yeah, it sucked, but I’m so glad I went.”

Why can’t I feel that way? What’s wrong with me? Why am I still spilling the same tears I spilled while I was there?

I feel like treatment helped me gain control over my eating disorder but at the expense of losing control over my PTSD symptoms.  Treatment was hell.

My original trauma involved being trapped and having zero control over what was happening to me or around me.  Going to an inpatient facility for eating disorders where the doors are locked and autonomy is limited, triggered a lot.  I could never get the flashbacks to stop.  Like, even when I could push the images back, the emotions that went with them never let up. I was literally interacting with the environment as though I was going through the trauma all over again.  It felt like I was moving through two worlds at the same time.  My treatment team either failed to noticed or failed to intervene–I’m not sure which to be honest.

I feel like I’m back at square one.  Now I’m not only dealing with the original trauma, I’m dealing with the fact that treatment was re-traumatizing.

Memories of inpatient come up, and I break down in tears.  I’m trying to put it behind me but it won’t stay in the past.  I feel like I’m constantly being hit by an oncoming train I didn’t see coming. Every time something brings back a reminder of treatment, the intense flood of emotions I felt while there come back hitting full force too. Trying to “let it go” doesn’t work because it only leaves me “caught off guard.”

I just want for one day, not to think about my inpatient experience. I’m tired of crying about it. I want nothing to do with it. I’m over it.

 

 

 

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